You text a friend and ask if they would like to go to the new Cthulhu With a Twist pottery painting and wine establishment. McDonald’s sent you some coupons over Twitter telling you to “Take Your Friendships to the Next Level.” They probably generated the whole business out of Google’s Franchises of Summer contest where they invited corporations to test their Instant Brand Creation tool.
The door is guarded by two machines wearing black robes. You comment that doodoo brown is your preferred cultist garb, but they don’t get the joke. You swipe your IDs and enter a dark room lit by candles. Another machine rolls out of a door in the back of the room and greets you with some crap about gods from before the beginning of time, and making sure you choose the proper one. Your friend complains that there isn’t anything from Reanimator. Order a bottle of Riesling.
Make a Sigil out of “I am all that was ever meant to be.” Focus on the image in your mind. Pick up the ritual blade. Instruct the machines to grab the limbs of your companion and hold them face first to the ground. Carve the Sigil into their back. Scream no words but emit only the deepest guttural noises you can muster until you feel on the verge of passing out. Pull their head back by the hair, and immediately masturbate while staring them in the eyes. A machine will come out and hose everything off. For only $24.99 you can purchase a professionally produced digital photo album of the entire evening.
