Insult the heifer that cut in front of you at the grocery store. Say, “I’m downloading your spouse from the internet,” and wave your phone in a circular motion above your cranium. Overage charges will apply. Call customer service and explain that you need a corporate account. Tell them your erotic video collection is an archive you plan to present to the city council next month. Title your presentation, “Friends and Neighbors.” Run for Mayor.
Start a multinational corporation megachurch merger. Go to the media and tell them that God spoke to you and named Michael Jordan, Christ. Get on the boards of Exxon Mobil, Nike, and Pixar. Sell all of your shares after the merger. Buy television air time during the Super Bowl, and announce your candidacy for POTUS. Have Michael Jordan mobilize your cult into the ultimate street team.
Have your campaign manager tell the CEO of GE to tell the head of your party to tell a tobacco lobbyist to tell the CEOs of several Super PACs to make a long series of accusations against your opponent. Never take a breath whether they stick or not. Refuse to admit you are wrong. Accuse them of eating with their bare hands, kicking puppies, paying the mafia for oral sex, riding machines without permission, selling human jobs to machines, beating a classmate to death in the heat of passion, being born on the moon, creating economic weapons of mass deflation, developing weather controlling machines, and subverting the power of deities.
